Today I tried my best to act as if I was a fly on the wall looking back at myself. The reason is I want to watch myself and how I interact with those in my life. This would be the best way to see what Bryan is truly like. I heard about this technique and started to look back on my past behavior, and I am embarrassed. I can remember some things vaguely and others ring pretty clear. The way I would act, and the way others would act around me, had me ashamed of myself. How could I treat those that I love so harshly?
It wasn't just with the people that I love that I am embarassed about, it was with anybody that came in contact with me. I can see myself now walking around the store looking at people and instantly judging them about their looks, clothes, hair, weight, the way they talk, and the way they acted as if I am some perfect person without any faults. How they must have felt to be judged by me versus being accepted? I can see the annoyed look on my face when asked a question, I can see my half-hearted attempts to help people, I can see all sorts of things that when I reflect back the question that is aching my brain is, why? Where is the compassion, and humility you imbecile?
It sickens me to think about the behavior I had exhibited and still exhibit. And I wonder how long did it take me to develop such poorly learned behavior? What in my mind had me thinking, and choosing this is an acceptable way to act towards others? One thing is for sure I can see why I was such a negative person. I can see why I am here now trying to eradicate the way I was. Negative behavior invades your thoughts, behavior, and infects your consciousness, before long it is you. I am amazed that I still have people around me. There is no rationalization that can excuse it, and nothing I can do will alleviate those I have harmed because it is impossible to apologize to them all. This is why I have taken this journey to change the way I am.
This has been a good and honest reflection of my self. I have learned what I needed, and now it is time move forward. It is not an easy task to be honest and critical of yourself, especially when you are at fault. There are no excuses, just the truth. How does that quote go something like, "you can't know where you're going unless you know where you've been". I have seen where I have been and no doubt I understand how bad it was for me. Now it is up to me to prove that this behavior is not who Bryan is. It is my time to be the person that I know I can be, and the person that I choose to be...
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