Passion...

I just finished watching a video Danny MacAskill "Way Back Home" on youtube, and it reminded me of something that I used to have and that is passion.  This guy was on his bike doing some amazing tricks, as if that bike and him were one. You could see the passion of riding in him.  He didn't do it for the money, fame, or as a job, he rides because it is him. I used to be very passionate about Jiu-Jitsu. It is what woke me up in the morning, and what would be in my dreams when I slept. I couldn't go a minute without thinking about this move or that move.  It was to a point that it was almost spiritual in nature. By that I mean that when I was rolling sometimes I fell into a meditative trance, a state to where my mind was completely blank of thoughts just pure reaction.  This is when it no longer was a sport, it was me. Nothing I have ever done has ever gotten me to that point.

This is something that I still look for today, and maybe it is something that only crosses you once in a lifetime if you are lucky.  Unfortunately the strong passion I had for it, now is the same amount of passion I have to stay away from it. The sport grew into an ego filled mania, and it hasn't recovered. This is where I took a break from it and haven't returned. And I cant blame the sport just the people that are in it.  Wearing the Tapout, and Affliction gear, not too many have even trained nor fought. Not that this entirely matters, what the main thing that affected the sport was money. Soon it became popular, then through popularity came the money.  Once money came then so the greed. Greed got a hold of the coaches that were teaching, then the prices went up and the quality of instruction went down.  It was down hill spiral from that point on, no longer was it about the passion of the sport but about the next paycheck.  It felt watered down and jaded, classes seemed choppy and short. Soon students started leaving, and then gyms starting closing. The reason, the coaches were feeding their own ego and padding their wallets, instead of concentrating on the art, and teaching their passion.

We all have dreams about becoming rich.  Rarely does one dream to have passion. Those that are truly passionate about what they do, do not care about the money.  They would do it even if they didn't get paid a dime, because it is a part of them.  These people are the ones that become rich and wealthy, not only because their passions lead to riches, but because they have found themselves. Danny MacAskil didn't look at a bike and said this is going to make me rich.  He looked at the bike and rode it and found himself, and his passion took him to the riches.

This is a topic that I needed to discuss because I do not know where Jiu-Jitsu will be for me in the future, or if it will be there at all, but I do know that it was there and it was a part of me. I have tried different things but nothing has gotten me closer to who I am than Jiu-Jitsu.  It has been two years since I have been on the mat, and I still think about it everyday. Maybe there is passion for the sport left, no longer as a competitor but maybe as a coach.  Maybe this is something that I need to do in my life in order to find Bryan, and to know myself as I once did...

Fly on a wall...

Today I tried my best to act as if I was a fly on the wall looking back at myself.  The reason is I want to watch myself and how I interact with those in my life. This would be the best way to see what Bryan is truly like. I heard about this technique and started to look back on my past behavior, and I am embarrassed.  I can remember some things vaguely and others ring pretty clear.  The way I would act, and the way others would act around me, had me ashamed of myself.  How could I treat those that I love so harshly?

It wasn't just with the people that I love that I am embarassed about, it was with anybody that came in contact with me. I can see myself now walking around the store looking at people and instantly judging them about their looks, clothes, hair, weight, the way they talk, and the way they acted as if I am some perfect person without any faults. How they must have felt to be judged by me versus being accepted?  I can see the annoyed look on my face when asked a question, I can see my half-hearted attempts to help people, I can see all sorts of things that when I reflect back the question that is aching my brain is, why? Where is the compassion, and humility you imbecile?

It sickens me to think about the behavior I had exhibited and still exhibit.  And I wonder how long did it take me to develop such poorly learned behavior? What in my mind had me thinking, and choosing this is an acceptable way to act towards others? One thing is for sure I can see why I was such a negative person.  I can see why I am here now trying to eradicate the way I was.  Negative behavior invades your thoughts, behavior, and infects your consciousness, before long it is you. I am amazed that I still have people around me. There is no rationalization that can excuse it, and nothing I can do will alleviate those I have harmed because it is impossible to apologize to them all. This is why I have taken this journey to change the way I am.

This has been a good and honest reflection of my self. I have learned what I needed, and now it is time move forward.  It is not an easy task to be honest and critical of yourself, especially when you are at fault.  There are no excuses, just the truth.  How does that quote go something like, "you can't know where you're going unless you know where you've been".  I have seen where I have been and no doubt I understand how bad it was for me. Now it is up to me to prove that this behavior is not who Bryan is. It is my time to be the person that I know I can be, and the person that I choose to be... 

Missed opportunities...

 I was at the movies this evening and missed an opportunity to help someone that may of needed it.  They were the care takers on a mentally challenged person and were walking him down the aisle as I was leaving. He was holding on to his care taker and I did not extend a hand or even ask if they needed any assistance.  Shame on me. Why didn't I ask, it is not like I was going to be put out by my effort of helping them. It is not as though I was going to miss something important or that I was in a rush for something.  This is something that I need to make myself more aware of.  This goes in line with my other blogpost about humility and how I need to have a you-first attitude and I failed miserably. I need to change this mental state about humility because the positives are all around humility and I need to take advantage of them.

The opportunities to help somebody all around us. On your way to and from "recess", while at "recess" I can help by showing them a way to do something, or help them carry something, or to lend a listening ear.  I can go and volunteer at a local shelter, hospital, and almost anyplace.  So the opportunities are out there I need to look for them instead of looking away from them. I have done well in setting aside time to exercise, write in my blog, time to read, and time for my family, I don't see why I can not set time aside to help others in need.

This is something that as a community we only do for others during the holidays.  I haven't even done that.  I am as guilty as anybody about turning my head and looking the other way. If indeed I want to change myself then this is a way I can start. Start looking for people in need, and even if they look like they can handle the situation there is nothing that says I can not offer my help. I know that there are times that I want help but am not wanting to impose on others to help.  I know that feeling all to well, and if I think this way then I am sure others do so. Offering help does not take anything away from me and it brings me closer to the community, and closer to being the Bryan that I have set out to be. The new Bryan I am choosing to be will look to lend a helping hand.

Belief...

My wife was watching a show on ghosts and it amazed me how scared she can get out of watching these shows. It is funny to me how many people belive in such ridiculous things.  From god to aliens people believe things without any factual evidence to support them.   I watched a video by Richard Dawkins on a letter he wrote his daughter as far as belief goes, and he said that he wished his daughter to never trust, tradition, authority, and revelance, for your belief. I love this statement because with tradition, authority, and revelance is where you can find the ridiculous beliefs...

Tradition and authority are how most beliefs are learned.  It was essential for our survival to follow our parents and to have them guide and protect us.  We were a blank slate that leaned on our authority figures to learn all aspects of the world.  They taught us things that were not essentially the truth but in order for us to do as they say without question they made it the truth such as "do not cross the street or you will get run over". Now there is a chance that you can get run over by crossing the street, the likelihood maybe at the most 1 in 10, but for us to be completely safe they made sure we believed that we would be hit if we crossed.  The funny thing is what we learn early is hard to break. This is where religion gets it strength. They prey on the young to instill fear of a god that knows all and can hear your thoughts. Pretty daunting and its roots of fear are grounded in the youth. Why does this work? The same way we come up to a street with appehension, same reason that we hesitate to touch a stove that we know if off,   This is what our parents taught us, and their parents taught them and this is where tradition lies. What we remember from our parents, we teach our children. This is weird because when we reflect back at our parents we realize how wrong they were on things, yet we still pass their teachings on to our kids.

Revelance is where something just feels right and so many people belief stuff based on their feelings and senses. They constantly say stuff like I felt a presence using thier sense as a guide to belief. The problem is that our senses do not always tell the truth.  Have you ever touched really hot water and get a cold sensation? Have you ever answered someone because you thought you heard them talking to you? Have you tried the experiment of smelling a lemon while tasting a banana and then the banana ends up tasting like a lemon? Of course, we all have had instances where our senses have deceived us. We know that our senses deceive but yet we can not break the belief, or even question what we have seen.  As if our processing agent, the brain, would not dare make a mistake. 

I am a skeptic and I do not understand how so many people can have a supernatural answer for things that do not make sense at the time. Why not look at things scientifically and look for factual evidence through experiments? This is a way to prove thier beliefs, and shouldn't that alarm them that there is not any scientific evidence as of yet on god, or on aliens, or on the existence of ghosts.  With everyone out to make a dollar it would seem as if they would want science to prove these things as true, to truly capitalize on the phenomena. Science is debunking more and more beliefs and it is under contstant attack. People are really wrapped into their beliefs no matter how wrong they are and will doubt and even hate people that bring factual evidence that denies thier beliefs,  I can't think of a better example than evolution. I guess that is why con-artists are so successful, because of the gullability of humanity...

My creation...

I read something today that really got me thinking and motivated about the way I view my life right now.  My life is my creation.  I have chosen who to start a family with, I have chosen my job, I choose my friends, and I choose the mental state that I am in.  With all of these choices being mine, then why do I feel unsatisfied with my life.  Does that mean that I am failing myself? No, it is because I choose to feel that way, and I choose to let negativity and negative things into my life. My brother-in-law said something that caught my attention, he was talking about how if food is unhealthy then he doesn't let it in his house that way it can't be eaten.  This is the analogy that I am going to choose this moment forward with my life, if it is unhealthy then I will not let it in.

The way that I am going to change my creation is to first change my mental state.  This is something I have been working on, and I need to continue to drive towards the goal of keeping positivity alive in me at all times.  Finding positivity in all things is a different approach for me, and it is new so I am not that adept with it, but I know that is what I want, therefore I choose positivity as my mental state.

Now that my mental state is set on positivity, it is time to use this in my family.  I have chosen my wife and she is the closest person to me.  She knows me better than anybody else does, and I know her better than anybody else does.  That is something I used to think was a negative, because we both know what buttons to push to make the other upset.  More than I should, I push those buttons with great eager.  That is something that I choose to change.  We have two beautiful boys, and I do not want them growing up with parents at each other all the time.  It is time to find the positive side of our relationship, and the fact that I know her better than anybody else should mean that I know how to make her happy more than anybody else does. This is what I have chosen my goal to be in my family, because if mama is happy everyone is happy.

I have fewer friends now than I have ever had.  This is due to my expectations of them. I feel if they do not follow these certain characteristics then they are not worthy of being my friend.  I read somewhere that people act as if they have resume for their friends and if they do not follow it then they are not my friend.  This is how I have treated my friends in the past.  Instead of trying to be their friend, I wanted them to try to be mine.  I choose to make my friends meaningful, and I am now choosing to be their friend.  I choose to fit in their resume and not vice versa. 

My job is something that I dont particularly care for.  It is there for one thing and that is to pay the bills.  Usually I have a negative connotation when I talk about work, or the mere thought about work will bring about negativity and things I do not like about it.  The fact that I call it work, is already a name that has a negative tone to it.  When I think about my job in a positive mental state, I can see some positives there. The hours are great, I make enough money to provide for my family, I get paid time off for every holiday, and the people I work with are very fun to be around. Wow, just writing that tells me more than what I could ask for in a job. I think I will call work, RECESS, from now on.  I used to love recess and it was my favorite time of the day. Just saying I am going to recess tomorrow actually sounds fun.  I choose to enjoy RECESS for all the benefits that come along with it.

Just now when I was reading this post I started to think about my life in a new way. It is now my creation, I have the power to choose the life I want, so why not want a good one.  I am a very lucky person to have my life in order the way it is, and sure I have hit bumps in the road but the bumps should not change my mental state.  Now that I can see my life in this way, it is time to go out and seize it and enjoy all the gifts that I have chosen to have.

Leaf on a stream...

Lately, I have been trying to envision myself as a leaf on a stream and go about my day with the thought that anything that is going to happen is going to happen so just roll with it.  This has been very enlightening for me, because I used to be a dam on the stream.  If things didn't go accordingly I would blow up and try to stop the present course and try to swim against the current.  This thought process would create a lot of stress and ended up upsetting me and the people around me.  I had to make a change, and in my years of jiu-jitsu I should have known to use technique and leverage to overcome an opponent versus strength.  My technique is thought perception to change the way I think about a situation.  Instead of finding the negative learn to find the positive.  The leverage is going with the stream, I dont need to fight against it but I can use the current to change my direction, just have to flow with it.

Although new, it has produced rewards to me.  Just yesterday in preparation for Thanksgiving I knew there would be a ton of dishes to do after cooking but I wanted to post on my blog.  So what I would usually do is gripe and groan about getting the dishes done and how much time it would take me, and how I wouldn't have time to get done what I wanted to do.  Then I realized the negative thoughts already going in my head and started changing them.  I started the self talk that no matter what the dishes had to be done, and once they are done there is nothing stopping me from staying up and extra 20 minutes, but if i sit here and moan, gripe and procrastinate, I would have to stay up longer and I would feel even worse than I do now.   Why choose to be worse off?

I know how little a victory this may seem, but to me it is a start.  From a person who used to blow up at any inconvenience and could not find a positive out of anything, it is a change for the better.  I am hopeful that this small victory will lead to other small victories, and then when all these small victories add up it will help me tackle a big problem that will inevitably occur in life.

I hope that everyday that I can find a moment when things aren't exactly going my way but instead of being a dam I will be the leaf. Envisioning a leaf on a stream is a start to find the me that has been swallowed up by negativity the last few years.  Rome was not built in a day and finding Bryan will take some time, but with the changing of my thought process it will be sooner than later...

Humility...

Humility is the act of "you-first" versus the "me-first" attitude.  This is something I am trying to be better at, and on the eve of Thanksgiving is perfect for writing about.  To be a you-first person goes against our biology.  Our evolution has lasted through the ages by chance, luck, but most importantly by our selfishness. Our genetic makeup, genes, are designed for one reason to duplicate itself and it will do whatever it can to make this happen. We are genetically selfish creatures and to defy ones biology for another is why the practice of humility is so virtuous.  Questions arise when I think of this. If we are made to be selfish creatures then is the act of humility a wasted effort? Or is the practice of humility just another trick up the gene's sleeve?
Humanity has flourished not only by the selfishness of our genes, but also by being social creatures. Our ancestors needed the community for survival. We are hunter/gathers and hunting is a skill that also has a lot of luck.  The problem with hunting is once you obtain a kill, what do you do with the meat? You can not possibly eat all the food in one sitting, and without refridgeration the meat would spoil.   The solution is you would feed your neighbors meat from your kill today and in return when they would get a kill they would do the same for you. This was a way we started humility and the way we started community. We could not have survived without helping our neighbors or them helping us.  Not only is the act of humility necessary for each of our survival it also makes us feel good. We could never have thrived if we didn't learn to do for others...

The act of humility feeds our consciousness with a sense of well being.  Our consciousness is what drives our thoughts and feelings, and to feed virtues to our consciousness will in turn feed our thoughts and emotions with positivity. If given a choice most of us would choose to be around a positive person who is upbeat and fun versus a negative person who drags on and complains on end.  So does humility really act in ways that our genes want it to?  If the practice of humility increases the chances to have more people around us, since humility feeds us with positivity and people want to be around positivity,  then the more people we are around the better odds of propagating our genes. So do females find humility in males, and do they find this attractive?  So in reality is humility a slave to the selfish genes? There are some that say there are no good deeds, because people do things out of selfishness.  Mother Teresa is only selfless because it makes her feel good, and without her getting satisfaction from this she would cease her selflessness. Maybe it is our genes acting selfless, out of a selfish manner. Maybe there are no truly good deeds, but is that what is important?

I do not know if the act of humility is the genes way of getting us to reproduce, but I do know that I will practice humility because I want to be a positive person. I want to be a person who others want to be around and who want to strike up a conversation with out of the blue.  I am trying to clean all of the negativity out of my consciousness.  The choice of positivity is ours and if humility is a bold step towards this direction then why not choose it.  We are social creatures and without our neighbors our existence would be strife and short lived. What I have learned about this is that even today when we are around people we do not think that they have any impact on our lives, but in reality they do.  Their job, their work brings in "meat" to the community and enriches our lives. Those people who cut me off, who aggravate me in line, or those people who just, and the ones that I think I would have nothing in common with, I am truly thankful, for if it wasn't for your sacrifices I would not enjoy some of the benefits our community has.  It is quite humbling actually...